I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
