I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
