when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Boobs speak an international language.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
