Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
