While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize