I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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