I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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