i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
