alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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