Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
