she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
