She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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