you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize