I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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