capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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