Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
