Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
