I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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