if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
