hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
