Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
