i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
