im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize