is your mom at the bar?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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