I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
