Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
