When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
