Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
