He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
