someone threw a dead crab at me
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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