remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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