my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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