Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
