I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
