its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
