hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
