I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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