so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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