The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
