she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
