Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
