My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
