Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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