So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
