Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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