I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
