Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
