The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
