this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
