taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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