Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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