Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Come on in and take your pants off
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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