Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
