Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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