3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
