All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
That accounts for only three of the penises
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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