i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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