Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize