We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize