normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
