i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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