I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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