i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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