Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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